I think i have done enough ranting and raving for a while. Thanks to all my friends around me whom i know are concerned about me and i am sorry that i could not really talk about what is happening, primarily because nothing is resolved nor settled. I have not fully understood it myself nor could i really accept it yet but i guess i am calmer now than before. I realized also that while other people may have doubts and no confidence about the relationship but i don't have to be just because they are. It has been real and it meant something, at least for me and i think i have to keep believing in that if nothing else. Whatever doubts and questions would still have to be worked out, but there is a limit to what i can do about that. So instead of breaking down and panicking, which does not help in the least, i could try and hold on to what i have always believed in. I guess i can't expect others to have confidence in something if i myself do not believe in it. I did ever wonder if i am just being foolish and stubborn but i find no other ways in which i can act other than this. Even this, is something difficult at times especially when you are washed in waves of paranoia. I am still unwilling to face up to the possibility or perhaps an eventuality... but this is helping me cope for a while, at least for now. Some days i do wake up and wished from the bottom of my heart that this had not happened to me. I am beginning to accept for a start what had happened even if i have not understood nor accepted the reasons for it.

At this point, i am caught in limbo. Time is something quite difficult yet easy to give. Both of the same reason, i do not control time. I cannot bring myself to speculate what can happen in the future nor could i keep hoping that things are not as serious as i imagined for fear of deluding myself. Hence, all i can do, is to just hold on to the moment and what the relationship has meant or felt to me, and try not to speculate for him. Trying can be difficult too. I guess i am stepping on the fine line of what is managable for me right now. Step out of the line on either way and i risk either delusion (therefore losing consciousness) and blind panic and despire. I am basically breathing in a tight air space with vaccum on the either side of me. But then, having a tight pocket of air is better than having all the air sucked out around me like when this all started. So i guess i am making some improvement at least.